Loki and Spam

Okay, I really don’t have a godphone to Loki, like some folks do. Every now and then I get “pings” or even more definite gut-level tugs. I often feel a presence. Once in a while I’ve “heard” a strong message, like “no!” accompanied by unmistakable emotion (like when I mistakenly licked the spoon from His jar of Nutella after vowing never to eat from it). Mostly, though, I use the pendulum and other divination methods to communicate with my deities and guides, including Loki.

Still, I can’t help being amused by the kind of spam this blog gets–and by imagining Loki’s responses. Today, I cleared out “Sex Gals” and a cheap viagra post from the spam cache, and I could imagine Loki looking over my shoulder inquisitively. The rest of this blog is going to read like one of those (often annoying) conversation memes that are spread around social media like cheap mayonnaise.

Loki: “‘Sex Gals?‘ Sounds interesting!”

Me: “To you, maybe. Not to me.” (Proceeds to bulk edit spam cache.)

Loki: “How do you know those spam messages aren’t actually highly significant, divinatory messages from me? Or (snort) from Freyr?”

Me: “Are you really going to make me drag out Freyr’s pendulum too? I can, you know.”

Loki (grins): “Wouldn’t think of putting you through all that trouble!”

Me: (Sigh.)

Loki: “Hey, I saved your life yesterday! Without me making you feel suddenly dizzy and sick, thereby causing you to delay your departure for five minutes while you took out my pendulum to ask if you should drive all the way to the Bay Area to see your youngest son, you might have been the spam in a can in that upturned car three blocks from your house!”

Me: “You’re saying I owe you?”

Loki: (Grins and says nothing.)

Me: “But I already deleted the spam!”

Loki: “Check your other blogs. Check that sexologist one!”

So I dutifully switch to the other blog and take a look at the spam cache.

Me: “Damn. There’s thirteen of these suckers already! You really want me to swing the pendulum for each one of these things?”

Loki: “Yep. Mine first. Then Freyr’s.”

Me: (Exasperated.) “Oh for heaven’s sake!”

Loki: “Asgard. You mean Asgard.”

Me: “I dunno. That really super long twumpian/Christian prophecy spam might beg to differ. It says that the end is nigh.”

Loki: “It’s always ‘nigh.’ Look at Ragnarok for heaven’s sake!”

Me: “LOL! Now you’re doing it!”

Loki: (Sputters.)

Me: (Snickers.)

Loki: “So what else is in your spam cache?”

Me: “The usual. An ad for 500 mg. of amoxicillian is attached to my ‘Men with Smaller Penises’ post. Someone else offers licentious portraits of college girls…”

Loki: “That’s not from me!”

Me: (Dryly.) “I’m relieved.”

Me: “To continue with our spam inventory…CBD oil, something about ‘my nephew’ and ‘my pet’ but it honestly makes no sense, ‘amoxicillin for cats’…say, who makes amoxicillin anyway? Is it Bayer? Because they just bought Monsanto and the stock is DOWN!…(gleeful laughter with an tinge of ‘fuck the world is ending’ hysteria…).

Loki: (Dryly.) “Try to focus, won’t you?”

Me: “Ahem. Sorry. Okay…tech…fleece…RSS feed… There’s not much here except the apocalyptic Christian thing about bitcoin and the sign of the beast. One of yours?”

Loki: (Dryly.) “Use the pendulum to test each one.”

And then I get a bright idea.

Me: “I don’t have to! I just did a bulk pendulum query to ask if any of the spam posts are actually secret messages from either of my two fave gods! And the answer was ‘no!'”

Loki: “Smart ass.”

Me: (Smirking.) “Let’s go play with InspiroBot instead.”

Loki. “Okay.”

So, we play with InspiroBot and this happens:

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Me: “Are you sure that’s not a licentious portrait of a college girl?”

Loki: “Busted…”

Happy Mother’s Day. The end is nigh.

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A New Game for Lokeans

First, select a piece of music. Play it for Loki. I tried this piece, as I was feeling slightly maudlin (I hate maudlin!). Then…

…Then you go to Inspirobot.me and ask “Mr. Lokibot” to comment on the song. This was what I got in response, no kidding!

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After twenty minutes of laughing like a loon, I tried this song.

This was the response (below). Really, Loki, irony? Are you telling me you want something more au courant? 

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Okay… this next selection delivers a wee bit of irony from me to you, my ecotoplasmic darling Mr. Lokibot… You want au courant? I give you POPPY! (Last year’s song, but even so…)

Uh. I guess Loki hates maudlin too…

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I think I’m a gonna quit while I’m ahead…

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More from “Mister Lokibot”

Just for fun, I sometimes ask “Mister Lokibot” to speak to me via Inspirobot, “an artificial intelligence dedicated to generating unlimited amounts of unique inspirational quotes for endless enrichment of pointless human existence.” (And don’t miss Inspirobot’s “mindfulness mode.” Hilarious!)

This is what I got today, after having written a very long, insightful-but-not-entirely-pleasant critique of a former lover’s professional website. (His business had fallen off and my advice was meant to be helpful.)

And, FYI, when I say “former” I mean from decades ago.

So to the thought below, I add the words “with surgical precision.”

Gosh, Thanks Mister Lokibot!”

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Gosh, Thanks Mr. Lokibot!

The other day I was inspired by a podcast on divination to visit Inspirobot, my favorite artificial intelligence website, and then to invite my favorite Liminal Trickster to profer some wisdom, using the AI program as a divinitory vehicle. (Yes, I know. Too much time on my hands…)

I invited Loki to comment on my (non-existent) love life. Here’s what I got.

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Of course I laughed, “Ha, ha! Spot on, Mr. Lokibot!” And of course I then asked the soul-searching question (but not out loud), “stranger than what, exactly?”

Being a glutton for punishment, or at least desperate for amusement, the next day I asked Loki to suggest a theme for our special day (Tuesday is always the big devotional day for Loki in my household). This is what I got.

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Harsh, dude! And yes, much emotional pain ensued (Uranus was squaring Mars and I’m kind of heartbroken about a family matter) but I wouldn’t call it “good pain” exactly. As for the slaughter, I supposed that took place during lunch, when I vanquished a Thai chicken salad and several cups of weak tea while re-reading parts of Dagulf Loptson’s book. But Mr. Lokibot, the Worldbreaker, still got his special Tuesday offerings–an artisan macaroon from an artisan bakery and a glass of mango-flavored beer from an artisan brewery. (I don’t drink, myself.)

Today, not being a person who lets go of novelty easily (instead, preferring to wear it out by dreary repetition), I once again asked Mr. Lokibot to comment on my (still non-existent) love life. This is what I got: Mr. Lokibot summarizing the results of his sex research.

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Well, yes, of course he’d see it that way. He is famous, both as Norse Loki and as the (very attractive) Marvel Loki, and this has most definitely boosted his number of spectrosexual partners and god spouses. However, did anyone send me steamy texts or love letters after my appearances on Tyra Banks and Good Morning America in 2009? Or after my commentary in two episodes of National Geographic Taboo shortly thereafter? Nope. All I got was vilification in right wing blogs for researching Objectum Sexuality. “Whack job of a sexologist” was one of the more restrained comments I remember. So, no, I don’t think the above holds true for aging sexologists.

Plus, correlation does not necessarily equal causation. Just sayin’.

The above may be taken with a grain of salt from a “whack job” of a Lokean. You’re welcome.

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