The feeling of devotion itself, and the enactment of devotional tasks, can sometimes become unbalanced. I think that in the last couple of months, with all the outward movement (organizing LokiFest, working on Loki’s Torch), I became somewhat disconnected from source.
Not that I forgot Loki–not at all. Never any danger of that! However there were times when I skipped my daily altar practice or meditations due to exhaustion or external circumstances, got a little sloppy about certain things, forgot to sweep the “tiny temple,” and so on.
I am also one of those people who has always meshed whatever I’m doing spiritually with action, and even activism, so it’s not like I’m new to juggling this stuff (meaning I should have known I was getting off balance…)
No. I simply wasn’t going inward enough to connect consistently in the way that I had before.
The most surprising confirmation of this took place on the evening of the day I cancelled the public portion of LokiFest CA. I took up my meditation, half expecting to feel slightly chided for my “failure” (even though it was a failure of money and bureaucracy), and was instead welcomed by my patron deity in a glad “embrace” (speaking spiritually). I was surprised. And a lot of interesting perspective came my way as a result, as well as a pithy tarot reading afterwards, and so golly, I hope I’ve learned something after all!
The consequent Loki’s Torch design marathon was less about over-extending and more about moving the bulk of that work out of the way, so that I can get back into balance again. Even though there is still much more work to be done this summer, the idea (personal gnosis here) is that I’m to work my way back into daily consistency and to deepen my connections to those of the “gossamer realm.”
But I also wonder if my huge workaholic marathon this last weekend was also fueled by the Trothmoot hailing of Loki for the first time in ten years, two states north of here? He must have been awfully focused on Midgard this last weekend, and perhaps I felt that energy.
In any case, mysteries abound, connections persist, and I am deeply engaged with them. These processes often feel like a relentless flow of love and excitement coursing through an underground river–but these words are inadequate.